barbara walters just said penis...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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