A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
pray to the hookup gods
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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