we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
