Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
