My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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