ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
