I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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