hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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