y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
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Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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