Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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