she woke up with a sticky ear
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
