Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
