Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
