thus making me awesome and them whores
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
