Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
