just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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