I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
