Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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