Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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