My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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