This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
