I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
