I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
