At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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