She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
