Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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