my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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