I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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