I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
