Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
