The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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