just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
