i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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