Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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