Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
