I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
