i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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