took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
