I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
