I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
