i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
