If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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