we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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