Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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