This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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