Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
