My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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