I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
