i need an iv and a liver transplant
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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