I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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