Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
