Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
