so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
