Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
