Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
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Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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